What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 03:16
I think the readers, may guess!
My life is so biszare .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
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Im still living with it.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I don,t even have a pension.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I couldn’t, believe it.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Is anal sex allowed in Islam? It's not written anywhere in the Quran whether it's forbidden or not.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I was 9 years of age.
Overthinking is killing me day-by-day. What should I do?
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Is there anything you did that you regret? If so, what is it, and why?
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
My family never makes their pension either.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I was scared of men, in general
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Who then, do I blame.?
This is how, and why children get BPD.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I have no regrets .
I waited trembling.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
She was in good health!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
So, i spoilt her more .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
She loved him until the end.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Ive learnt so much.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I write beautiful poetry .
Comes on , in middle age.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I was seconnd youngest,
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
What did i know ?
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
When she asked me how she looked .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I will be 64.
She wouldn,t have been !
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I said to her
She married twice! .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
We were not on the streets..
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Why did i forgive my father ?
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Put me off passion for life!!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
And i lived it daily.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
We all went to grammer schools
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
This is soul school!.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
But it wasn’t much.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I was very sick at this time too.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Was to survive, this bastard.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
It was going to be , some day.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Would this be the day?
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
One cannot live in the past .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
All the time i was locked up.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I could never make a relationship work though!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
As i do to all so called friends.?
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
On the 31st of Jan this month .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
She found it foreign!.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
So whats the point in blame.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
He knew the spot.
Especially a lifetime of it.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But, we were locked up after school.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
(And it was in our own minds.)
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.